Why We Feel Love

As I’m sure you’re aware, Valentine’s Day has passed us by last month. With it being an all-consuming holiday, able to instil dread or excitement depending on who you ask, the possibility of one being unaware of it is impossibly slim. Valentine’s Day has become, for most, a commercial holiday of long-stemmed red roses and half-off chocolates, of sappy cards and sappier people. Apart from the origins of religion, and if you ignore the romance stemming from bird mating season, it can be quite a relaxed holiday.

With it being centred around the theme of love and romance, it begs the question:

“Where does love come from and why do we feel it?”

Now, whether you want to use the following information for some interesting conversation, whether you’re genuinely curious or whether you plan to invent some sort of Love Formula, knowing where love comes from can actually be very interesting to apply to day-to-day life. For example, understanding the science behind love can help us to better recognize and appreciate the subtle signs of affection from our partners that might otherwise be missed. You can even start to narrow down what you find attractive, romantically or platonically, and what type of person you’re naturally drawn to. You may even be able to find some common characteristics in the people you end up wanting to avoid, and can identify them earlier on.

Now, onto the science!

Love is stimulated by 3 main chemicals: Noradrenaline, which simulates the effects of adrenaline, often causing a racing heart and sweaty palms, Dopamine, also known as the ‘Feel-Good’ chemical, and Phenylethylamine, which can cause the butterflies-in-your-stomach sensation. These 3 chemicals all act together to create the intense feeling of love, making it one of the most powerful emotions that human beings can experience.

Based on the work done by a team of scientists led by Dr Helen Fisher, romantic love can be separated into 3 categories: Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Each category is also responsible for its own set of hormones.

There are some subtleties and overlaps to each, however, the associated hormones are mainly what separates them. Lust is driven by Testosterone and Estrogen, Attraction by Dopamine, Norepinephrine, and Serotonin, and Attachment by Oxytocin and Vasopressin.

Lust refers to the need to reproduce among all living organisms. However, Attraction is very closely related. Lust and Attraction are certainly interlinked but one can be found without the other. Attraction is more closely based around the ‘reward’ centre of our brain, which is why Dopamine is one of the main hormones associated with Attraction. Dopamine, as well as Norepinephrine, which is similarly released in copious amounts during Attraction, can make one feel euphoric, leading to giddiness and a seeming increase in energy. It can also lead to a decreased appetite and lack of sleep, meaning that you can literally “lose sleep” over someone. Norepinephrine is also a key component of the “Fight or Flight” response, as it keeps you alert. Attraction also seems to reduce the production of Serotonin, which can affect one’s appetite and mood. Unlike Lust and Attraction, Attachment can be found in any type of long-term relationship, parent-child, friendships, even student-teacher if the relationship becomes a sort of mentorship. Attachment has a distinctive difference to Lust and Attraction in that it has the potential to last longer, and to have a more profound effect as it can promote feelings of security and stability in the relationship. Oxytocin and Vasopressin are the primary hormones released during this depth of bonding.

Despite all this, hormones are not just responsible for the positive side of love. Jealousy, irrationality, and other negative aspects are also symptoms caused by hormones.

For example, a release of dopamine can be associated with addiction, meaning that the feeling one gets when in love simulates the feeling of an addict taking a hit. This is the suspected reason behind obsession over a person or getting “addicted” to someone, and can even lead to stalking or other criminal acts.

Another example is Oxytocin. Oxytocin primarily reinforces positive feelings towards someone. However, this can lead to harmful things such as prejudice. Let’s say the majority of the people you feel Attachment to, and therefore release Oxytocin around, are of a certain race. This can lead to a more positive association with that race and even lead to a subconscious diminishing of other races.

On a less serious note, what are some factors that can encourage love?

One of the first things that can begin the process of love is the way someone smells. Of course, a pleasant odor is preferred in general, but I'm talking about something much more subtle: the smell of their pheromones. Pheromones are essentially hormones that present themselves outside of the body. This means that one’s brain can gain information about someone without them even realising it. Pheromones can subconsciously provide information on genetic health which, given humans’ animalistic side, is very important. Simply put, someone who has sound genetic health can be considered attractive. In one study, a group of female participants rated the smell of several shirts, all of which had been previously slept in by various men. It was found that the participants preferred the scents of men who had complementary disease-resistant genes to their own makeup. This implies a subconscious search for a partner who will produce offspring as strong and healthy as possible.

Similarity is another strong factor when it comes to love and happiness in a relationship. Yes, opposites attract, however, that is only true to an extent. Similarity when it comes to beliefs, values, empathy and moral standing is very critical in the success of compatibility. For instance, if you feel strongly that equity for people with disabilities needs to be at the forefront of a better society, would you be able to sustain a relationship with someone who outwardly feels otherwise?

In a study of 1,523 couples, it was found that 86% of the time, the personalities of happy couples were similar. This suggests that when couples have similar interests, values and outlooks on life, they tend to be more compatible and have a better chance of creating a lasting relationship. This compatibility helps to build a strong foundation for a relationship, enabling the couple to navigate the inevitable highs and lows that come with any long-term commitment.

Another is appearance. Let me preface this by saying, everyone is beautiful and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In this case, we’re not talking about conventional attractiveness but small factors that could imply a better gene makeup. For instance, an asymmetrical face while conventionally unattractive, also suggests alcohol abuse, smoking and poor health in adults. Of course, this is only true for more recent asymmetry. Don't worry, if you have an asymmetrical face it's probably been like that since birth, so you don't need to worry about all that stuff! In males, another appearance-related factor is the length of the ring finger compared to the index finger. A longer ring finger indicates higher testosterone production and therefore a greater chance of fertility, as well as better genes and a healthier heart. So if you want to find a mate with great genes and a healthy heart, just look for the person with the longest ring finger in the room. As well as this, characteristics that one has simply been exposed to often can be seen as attractive. For example, if a lot of people around you have freckles, you may find that feature more attractive and would tend to find those without freckles less so.

Despite all this, research has found that the characteristics we deem most desirable are those we associate with positive people. For example, a strong friendship can lead to one finding someone similar in appearance to that friend more attractive. This is because those facial features, body language, or other factors are now associated with a positive relationship. So if you want someone to find you attractive, platonically or romantically, being kind always works!

With that, I just want to say that conventional attractiveness or romantic relationships are not a measure of worth. In other words, don’t worry – it’s not your face that’s the problem, it’s your personality. Just kidding, as long as you appreciate yourself and acknowledge everything you and your body do for you, you don’t need other people to make you happy! Remember that platonic love and self-love are just as important as romantic love, arguably more so. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Maya Mahmood